How To Drive In Atlanta

             i85 i285 "Atlanta Highway"

             For those of you not in Atlanta, before you laugh
           too hard just remember this is pretty accurate. 

 1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Atlanna.

 2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The
     evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday’s
     rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
 

 3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is
     85 mph. Anything less is considered ‘Wussy’.

           4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.
               Atlanta has its own version of traffic rules. For
               example, cars or trucks with the loudest muffler goes 
               first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the
               biggest tires go second. However, in Roswell &
              Alpharetta, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms
              ALWAYS have the right of way. 

 5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will
      be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

 6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s
     another offense that can get you shot.

 7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in
     all of Atlanta and surrounding counties. Detour
     barrels are moved around for your entertainment
     pleasure during the middle of the night to make the
     next day’s driving a bit more exciting.

  8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks,
      skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs,
      rubberneckers, shredded tires, cell phoners,
     discarded mattresses, refrigerators, auto bumpers
     and miscellaneous parts, deer and other road kill,
     and the buzzards feeding on any of these items.

  9. MapQuest does not work here, none of the roads
      are where they say they are or go where they say
      they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are
      moved each night.

  10. If someone actually has their turn signal on,
       wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them
       know it has been ‘accidentally activated.’

  11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70
        in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road
        hazard and will be ‘flipped off’ accordingly. If you
        return the flip, you’ll be shot.

  12. Do not try to estimate travel time, just leave
       Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon
       Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday
       for anything on Monday morning.

  13. Above all else, enjoy your driving experience,
        because if you actually get where you are going on
        time, everybody else will be late.


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