For those of you not in Atlanta, before you laugh
too hard just remember this is pretty accurate.
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Atlanna.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The
evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday’s
rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is
85 mph. Anything less is considered ‘Wussy’.
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.
Atlanta has its own version of traffic rules. For
example, cars or trucks with the loudest muffler goes
first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the
biggest tires go second. However, in Roswell &
Alpharetta, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms
ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will
be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s
another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in
all of Atlanta and surrounding counties. Detour
barrels are moved around for your entertainment
pleasure during the middle of the night to make the
next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks,
skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs,
rubberneckers, shredded tires, cell phoners,
discarded mattresses, refrigerators, auto bumpers
and miscellaneous parts, deer and other road kill,
and the buzzards feeding on any of these items.
9. MapQuest does not work here, none of the roads
are where they say they are or go where they say
they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are
moved each night.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on,
wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them
know it has been ‘accidentally activated.’
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70
in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road
hazard and will be ‘flipped off’ accordingly. If you
return the flip, you’ll be shot.
12. Do not try to estimate travel time, just leave
Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon
Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday
for anything on Monday morning.
13. Above all else, enjoy your driving experience,
because if you actually get where you are going on
time, everybody else will be late.